Secular and Inconsolable

Apr 20

Is the cliff beneath my feet crumbling?

I’m so damn scared.

I moved two states away from my family two months ago with my boyfriend and 15 year old dog. Four days before we left to make the move up to Washington, my boyfriend got arrested and was charged with some BS. He went to his arraignment last month and now, in a couple days, he must return to California for the actual court case. His lawyer doesn’t think he’ll get any time, nor does anyone we know, but I’m really worried he will. Then I’ll be all alone in a state where I only know my landlords, who only rent to us because my boyfriend is a carpenter. I finally found a job, but it doesn’t pay much and the schedule is erratic so finding a second job will be difficult. If he doess go to jail (or prison), I’m basically fucked because I won’t really be able to afford rent and bills with the job I have right now, and because that would mean taking on a second job, which would be fine except for the fact that it would really affect my dog…

…My dog is 15 1/2 years old. He is a happy guy who is doing fairly well considering his age, but in the last year or so has started to develop certain symptoms of dementia, including excessive barking when no one is home or if he can’t figure out where I am. My landlords are cool and have taken in several rescue dogs with different anxiety problems, so they understand the situation, but unfortunately are beginning to fear that animal control will be called. I love my dog so much, and give him a great life and I wouldn’t trade having him with me for anything, but sometimes I feel so trapped by not being able to run errands or go on a date with my boyfriend because I’m scared that my dog’s behavior is going to bring unwelcome attention.

I have wanted to live in this state since I was 12 years old. I rent a beautiful little house on a great property, and found a job with a lot of nice people and a lot of opportunities to learn. Now I’m so scared that everything is going to fail, and it’s only a matter of days until I know whether or not that’s going to happen. I’m so damn scared. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared before in my life. I finally have something I’ve always wanted, and now it might all fall apart and I’ll be left broke, defeated, and embarrassed. I worry about everything, all of the time. Whether or not I’ll be able to afford to eat this week, or be able to afford care in an emergency with my dog, or whether I’ll even still have a lease and a place to call home next month.

Mar 04

For various reasons, I had to move back to the SF area about six months ago. Two weeks ago I moved to a small town on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington.
I’ve wanted to live in Washington since I first visited at 12 years old. 12 years later (almost 13!) I’ve done it. At 25, I have accomplished the one thing I’ve ever known I wanted to accomplish. And even as a kid, I never took myself seriously about it; I figured I’d never actually do it and just stay in CA all my life ‘cause hey—if I didn’t end up in WA, at least I was in California. But, I guess the events leading me to move back to the family home in the SF area from the LA area, mixed with the disillusion pseudo-adulthood often brings with it, led me to suddenly (and not entirely haphazardly) lead me to the one thing I’ve always fantasized about but never actually worked towards accomplishing.

I honestly don’t know if I’m bragging or lamenting.

Cheesey Break Down of the situation:

Pro: I’m awesome because I’m adventurous and I basically double-dog dared myself into achieving something I’ve always wanted to achieve.

Con: I have no job, and very little safety money left.

Pro: Not only am I super awesome for the previously mentioned reasons, but to top it all off I am with my boyfriend and my 15 year old dog, who I adopted when I was 10 years old and get to make sure his last year(s) will be super happy and with his favorite person ever-ME!

Con: I have no job, and very little safety money left.

Pro: We have the most BADASS and ADORABLE fucking place with the coolest landlords ever. Seriously. I live in a little two story cottage style, rustic interior, on a fucking MINI FARM that has rescue animals on it…like mini donkeys, a mini horse, chickens, and dogs. Plus the owners/landlords live on the other side of the property and are amazingly kind, funny, crazy older hippies. Yeah. They’re the coolest people ever and made moving to a new place with no connections so much less scary.

Con: I have no job, and very little safety money left.

Pro: The rent is $750/month and since my boyfriend is a super sexy carpenter/handyman/jack of all trades-he works the rent off!

Con: Again, I have no job and  little savings left.

I’m gonna stop there. There are so many pros, and this place is beyond amazing and I’m filled with so much happiness, but I’m also scared. I know we will be okay-I know I will be okay-no matter what, but now that I’m actually here and I’m an adult, it’s make-it-or-break-it time and reality is slapping me in the face. Things will take time, and I’m constantly sending out resumes and applying for any job opening I find, even if it’s part time. I am persistent, and diligent, and I know I will get a job. I figured it would take a month, and it’s been two weeks, but should any other aspect of my life fall apart, I’m probably fucked.

 But, then again, the risk of it all is what makes it so fun. The challenge drives the adventure. I’ll try not to fuck it up, but if I do, I’m sure I’ll figure a way out of it until the next time.

Life, huh?

Mar 21

You can’t expect people, even your friends, to understand the inner workings of your other relationships, intimate or not.

Bonds will break. We’ll be alright.

Mar 16

Xanax, beer, The Evil Dead (1981). Long day ahead of me in LA tomorrow.

Mar 01



Oct 04

Been a while.

Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother trying to shed light on social issues, especially when I know that the people I’m addressing aren’t going to put aside their ignorance long enough to really consider the perspective I’m offering them. They’re entitled to their opinions, and when I disagree with them and I’d like to be able to change them,  I’m still well too aware that I can’t if they’re not willing to listen. Even when I despise their opinion, and think it’s wrong (like they mine), ultimately I just want them to THINK, not HATE. 

Some days, like today, and some conversations, like today’s, make me want to throw hope off the balcony. Days like this I feel like I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers. I hear myself proclaiming:

“Fuck you, everyone and everything. I’m done, man, I’m done. I’m tired of fighting for the misunderstood, the unjustly demonized, for common decency, love, and most of all a basic level of respect for all living things. I’m retiring my sense of righteous indignation, moving away from 
hope, and I’m breaking up with optimism. I’m going to move in with relentless cynicism and go live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere apathy where I’ll masturbate relentlessly and watch T.V. ‘til my body gets around to dying.”

The worst part about feeling this defeated is that I know it’s something that I’m going to feel on a regular basis for the rest of my life, but why? Probably because I feel like it’s my duty, but no one assigned it to me— I just took it upon myself to do my best to combat ignorance, mine and everyone else’s.  It makes me cry, embarrassing as it is to admit, to feel like I’m never going to make a difference in improving the state of mind of our society. It hurts to think that I may never have an impact even on one person in a way that positively impacts the world around us, because that’s how I would deem myself successful at the end of my life.

Somehow, though, I talk myself into unpacking hope and putting it back on the mantle, because I will always have hope, even if it sometimes gets put into storage for an undefined amount of time, that we can create a more tolerant world…but, tolerance shouldn’t be what we strive for, it should be a given. I want more than tolerance, I want understanding and love for your fellow man regardless of class, sexuality, gender, race, creed and all those other ways of categorizing people for the sake our own comfort, but it starts with establishing tolerance. If I can, at the very least, contribute to the establishment of greater tolerance, I would feel great about what I had done with my life. No matter how much or how little money I make, the types of assets I acquire, I can’t take any of that with me. I can leave it behind, but it will be spent and gone for good. What I can leave behind, and something my soul can retain, is a legacy of a genuine desire for a safer, more loving, and fair society for future generations to adopt and raise into something more tangible, more substantial, than hope. 

I would be successful then, and happy. 

May 09


Glenn Brown.


Glenn Brown.

(via creepyspacefox)

Apr 12

(Source: horsehitcherkind, via creepyspacefox)

Apr 11